Mom – Where Are You?
Seeing your Mother age before your very eyes is not always an easy task. There are so many emotions that surface these days as I witness my own Beloved Mother who has just turned 91. She is still beautiful, or at least in my eyes she is. She is still confident and semi-independent, as best as she can be. And she does well for herself. But there is this other thing ~ between Mothers and Daughters ~ that is rarely spoken about. It is the knife at the Gut, when you know your own Mother is cutting you out of her life. She is no longer available to you. No more open communication. No more fun. No more sharing. No more conversations. Just ‘cut and dry’ things that relate to her every day needs of ‘Me….Myself…..and I”. Every sentence begins with that. Every question ends with that. Every conversation, however brief is all about that. The simple, immediate needs of her immediate Universe.
What can I do with this information that arrives daily in the form of ‘take care of me and my needs now’ when I can hardly find myself in this environment? All of me has disappeared as the needs of my mother have taken over. It’s beyond everything I ever thought it would be. I long for our heartfelt and open communication. But it is not here, not now. Perhaps it never will be again.
And it is the Love I have for her that keeps me here, in this place, at this present moment. What does it mean to be a ‘Care Giver’…? There are so many levels of caring involved with this term. As for me, I am here….as her Beloved Daughter that has done EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to make my Mother’s life a happy and healthy one since my Dad passed through the veils 25 years ago. But it was never enough. It is still not enough. It will never be enough. The more I give, the more I give up in my own life, and the more I find myself lost in this situation. Normally Giving is a beautiful and easy thing to do. There is a beautiful exchange of energy. But Mom is a narcissist who always and forever wants more and more… It’s always about her needs and wants, ‘right here and right now’. And lately it is only and always about this. “Me, Myself and I”. She does not see me or feel me, or hear me, and perhaps she never has.
For much of my life I have tried to empower her and give her everything she wanted or needed. She has always been my trusted friend and confident, or so I thought. I have always been hers. But what does it take to withdraw Lovingly from this ’empty well’ when this has been all you’ve ever known? Total and complete Awareness. Consciousness. Clarity.
Every day I focus my Intention and Hearts Desires on only the Good. I am aligned and filled with Spirit. I am open to Inspiration. I am Divinely Guided. Tomorrow I am Blessed with the Presence of Deepak Chopra. After an intimate gathering we will connect once again, since my 40th Birthday in La Jolla, at The Chopra Center, when Deepak had his first Retreat Center there. We connected. We mediated. We shared. This Sunday we shall reconnect once again and meet as if it were the first time… Thank God for Grace, Miracles, and Divine Timing! I am so Blessed!