Jennifer’s Journey Home

Finding Our Way Home...

Finding Our Way Home…

 

Jennifer’s Journey Home – 1/14/2014  
Two years ago on this day, January 14th, my Daughter took her own life. She was 42 years young. Alone. Desperate. At the end of her rope. I will never know why she took her own life.     I will never know why she was so frightened to meet me, her Birthmother. I have longed to know her and embrace her my entire adult life.

 

I have searched for her my all of my life. After ‘39 Years of Silence’ and searching, I finally found her! We shared an intimate relationship for 3 years, until she drowned in her own silence, shame, sorrow and grief. Her name was Jennifer. I Loved her from the deepest parts of my being, as a woman, and as a Mother who was not allowed to keep her own child. It was forbidden.

 

As an unwed pregnant mother in 1969, I was forced to give up my child for adoption. The moral code and social ethics of the day gave Birthmothers one of two choices: 1)  Either kill and abort your child illegally or 2)  give them up for adoption. To this very day State Records remain ‘sealed’, unopened and locked away by shame, silence, and secrecy in an antiquated and dark belief system that prevents Birthmothers and Adoptive Children from connecting to each other. Even health records are sealed.

 

While many laws have changed over the years, those dark ages of adoption still hold antiquated belief systems, deep scars and silenced secrets for millions of children and mothers around the world. To this very day, in 2014, the laws in Florida, where I gave birth to my daughter, still prevent mothers and their children from connecting. State records are sealed, as they are in many States and Countries.

 

Help me to bring Light into these dark ages of adoption. Help Jennifer’s Journey Home be one of Light, Joy and Freedom. Help us to speak our Truth and not die in shame and secrecy any longer. “39 Years of Silence” is the name of our book, our story. It is a book whose time has come and whose voice needs to be heard and shared. It’s time to give birth and freedom to all Birthmothers and Children whose voice has been silenced by shame and secrecy through these last 5 Decades. It’s time to share it with the world and give voice as we journey home. Together we can do this. And we need your support to do it. It’s Significance and Legacy is that even now, today, millions of Birthmothers and Children are still silenced by this shame and secrecy.  “39 Years of Silence” opens the door and lets the Light shine in.

 
Our ‘Go Fund Me‘ drive is to raise the capital needed to  EDIT,  PUBLISH and  PROMOTE   “39 YEARS OF SILENCE” and share it with the world, so that it may help to heal so many women and children affected by the silence and shame of adoption. Our fundraising goal is $25,000. to cover these costs. We need your Love and we ask for your Support. Thank You for your Gift and for helping us to make this world a better place by untying the dark knots of past judgement, shame and secrecy. We are honored by your Love. We are Grateful for your Support.

 

With Deep and Profound Gratitude, Thank You!

 

Here is the Link for my fundraising page:    http://www.gofundme.com/68f6p4

#adoption

Jennifer's Journey Home

Jennifer’s Journey Home

Once Upon a Time. . .

October 22, 2013

 

Twists, Turns, Circles and U-Turns

Once Upon a Time. . .

Once Upon a Time. . .

 

Twists, Turns, Circles and U-Turns. . . Stop.  Go.  Turn left.  Turn right. Turn around. Don’t look back. . . look ahead.  Be Present, in this very moment.  Drop the fears.  Let go of the worries.

It’s all OK.  All is well.  All is well.  All is well.

 

These are the thoughts swirling around in my mind this morning.  I can’t seem to find my center of gravity these last few days.  Feelings of loss and sadness arise, and I don’t know what to do with them.  So I just visit with them and ask:  ‘What is it my Sweet?  What are you trying to tell me?’

 

Self examination leads me back to this time every year, days before the B-Day. . . the big event that changed my life forever.  October 31st, 1969. . . the day I gave Birth to my only child and gave her up for adoption.  I feel immense loss, even today. . . especially today.  Almost 44 years ago I was preparing myself to ‘let go and let God’ be the force in my life as I was forced to surrender this life inside of me.

 

I was 19, living in secrecy and hiding, shamed by my very existence.  Unwed pregnant mothers were ‘not allowed’ to keep their babies.  It was unheard of.  It was forbidden. It was simply unacceptable in the late 1960’s. How could I let the power and force of societies moral compass dictate what I was to do with my own child?  Why was this such forbidden fruit?

 

How could I surrender and give up this life inside of me. . . the One life that was most precious to my very being and existence?  How could I ever live with myself, knowing that I was being asked to surrender my baby to adoption and did?

 

Nine days from today she would have turned 44.  Instead of life, she choose death.  Last year she took her own life and gave up.  I will never know why.  I will never understand the pain and suffering she went through to reach this point.  There were a few warning signs along the path of my knowing her. . . but only from a distance.  We never met.  What we shared was a 3 year long-distance relationship by phone, emails, letters and text messages.  I have heard the vibration of her voice.  I have seen her only in photographs she sent me.  I have felt her love in the words she  expressed as she wrote them to me on paper.  And, I have loved her and longed for her all of my life.

 

As she rests in the invisible, ethereal realms, I think of her so tenderly. In these moments of deep inner stirrings, I feel her Presence around me.  The power of this love is eternal and endless.  And the longing never ceases.  It is always very Present in my heart and soul.

 

I have never seen her birth certificate.  I have never seen her death certificate.   I have never seen her.  But I gave birth to her. I gave life to her.  She existed. . . once upon a time.  Once upon a time I had faith and hopes that we would finally meet in this lifetime and share a beautiful relationship that was not in the invisible, but in the earthly realms.  All that is left living are the scars I carry on my body, the stretch marks that now look like grave markers of a life once lived

. . . once upon a time.

 

Along with her letters and photographs, she sent me two gifts of love, both behind glass . . . like the glass window pane that separated us upon her birth. Untouchable . . . unreachable . . . in the invisible.  One gift is a beautiful picture frame that has enamel vines and flowers with crystals and a ladybug on it.  It arrived empty. . . a blank canvas, without a photograph inside the glass frame.  Weeks later I received her picture which now sits inside that frame, behind the glass.  The other gift is a glass snow globe with Buddha inside . . . resting on the lotus in silence, in the center of the glass globe.  Sprinkles of light capture the Buddha when you move it.  In the stillness, in the silence, behind the looking glass, in the invisible realm is where she rests inside of me today. . . deep inside of my heart.

My Beloved Child . . . Once Upon a Time.

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This Sunday I will walk with other mothers who have lost a child or loved one to suicide to benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.  There will be many twists and turns, circles and U-turns along this walk inside the heart space as we pound the pavement with our rubber soles.

‘Walk out of Darkness’ is a nationwide effort and this is my local community walk.  Net proceeds will benefit AFSP to fund research, education, survivor and awareness programs – both to prevent suicide and to assist those affected by suicide.

Funding will help those who suffer from depression or contemplate suicide know that it doesn’t have to be a secret – that there is help available and that there are people out there who really care about them.

Here is the link to my page.

http://afsp.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.participant&participantID=497079

Here is the link to AFSP:  http://www.afsp.org