October 22, 2013
Once Upon a Time. . .
Twists, Turns, Circles and U-Turns. . . Stop. Go. Turn left. Turn right. Turn around. Don’t look back. . . look ahead. Be Present, in this very moment. Drop the fears. Let go of the worries.
It’s all OK. All is well. All is well. All is well.
These are the thoughts swirling around in my mind this morning. I can’t seem to find my center of gravity these last few days. Feelings of loss and sadness arise, and I don’t know what to do with them. So I just visit with them and ask: ‘What is it my Sweet? What are you trying to tell me?’
Self examination leads me back to this time every year, days before the B-Day. . . the big event that changed my life forever. October 31st, 1969. . . the day I gave Birth to my only child and gave her up for adoption. I feel immense loss, even today. . . especially today. Almost 44 years ago I was preparing myself to ‘let go and let God’ be the force in my life as I was forced to surrender this life inside of me.
I was 19, living in secrecy and hiding, shamed by my very existence. Unwed pregnant mothers were ‘not allowed’ to keep their babies. It was unheard of. It was forbidden. It was simply unacceptable in the late 1960’s. How could I let the power and force of societies moral compass dictate what I was to do with my own child? Why was this such forbidden fruit?
How could I surrender and give up this life inside of me. . . the One life that was most precious to my very being and existence? How could I ever live with myself, knowing that I was being asked to surrender my baby to adoption and did?
Nine days from today she would have turned 44. Instead of life, she choose death. Last year she took her own life and gave up. I will never know why. I will never understand the pain and suffering she went through to reach this point. There were a few warning signs along the path of my knowing her. . . but only from a distance. We never met. What we shared was a 3 year long-distance relationship by phone, emails, letters and text messages. I have heard the vibration of her voice. I have seen her only in photographs she sent me. I have felt her love in the words she expressed as she wrote them to me on paper. And, I have loved her and longed for her all of my life.
As she rests in the invisible, ethereal realms, I think of her so tenderly. In these moments of deep inner stirrings, I feel her Presence around me. The power of this love is eternal and endless. And the longing never ceases. It is always very Present in my heart and soul.
I have never seen her birth certificate. I have never seen her death certificate. I have never seen her. But I gave birth to her. I gave life to her. She existed. . . once upon a time. Once upon a time I had faith and hopes that we would finally meet in this lifetime and share a beautiful relationship that was not in the invisible, but in the earthly realms. All that is left living are the scars I carry on my body, the stretch marks that now look like grave markers of a life once lived
. . . once upon a time.
Along with her letters and photographs, she sent me two gifts of love, both behind glass . . . like the glass window pane that separated us upon her birth. Untouchable . . . unreachable . . . in the invisible. One gift is a beautiful picture frame that has enamel vines and flowers with crystals and a ladybug on it. It arrived empty. . . a blank canvas, without a photograph inside the glass frame. Weeks later I received her picture which now sits inside that frame, behind the glass. The other gift is a glass snow globe with Buddha inside . . . resting on the lotus in silence, in the center of the glass globe. Sprinkles of light capture the Buddha when you move it. In the stillness, in the silence, behind the looking glass, in the invisible realm is where she rests inside of me today. . . deep inside of my heart.
My Beloved Child . . . Once Upon a Time.
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This Sunday I will walk with other mothers who have lost a child or loved one to suicide to benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. There will be many twists and turns, circles and U-turns along this walk inside the heart space as we pound the pavement with our rubber soles.
‘Walk out of Darkness’ is a nationwide effort and this is my local community walk. Net proceeds will benefit AFSP to fund research, education, survivor and awareness programs – both to prevent suicide and to assist those affected by suicide.
Funding will help those who suffer from depression or contemplate suicide know that it doesn’t have to be a secret – that there is help available and that there are people out there who really care about them.
Here is the link to my page.
Here is the link to AFSP: http://www.afsp.org